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Today, a wife's role within the family is a much debated issue with
many contrary views and opinions. One view declares that being a wife in
the traditional and biblical sense degrades a woman to an inferior
position, while others believe that a wife's role is equal to her husband
in every way, a position of great worth and value. Who is right? What
should the role of a wife be and how can she practically fulfill this
role? Have you ever wondered what God's design is for you in your
marriage, and how God wants you to fulfill your calling in a manner that
pleases Him?
These are some of the questions that must be answered by a Christian woman
if she is to understand and fulfill her essential role within marriage.
Therefore, let's look at what the Bible declares about these issues and
see what God has called you to be.
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1. Be a helper. The very first thing the Bible teaches concerning the role
of a wife is that she is to be her husband's helper. After God created
Adam He said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a
helper comparable to him" (Gen. 2:18). This word helper means one who is
sent to support and aid another. It is important to note that if God says
you are to be a helper, then it stands to reason that your husband needs
help. From the beginning, God knew that man alone was incomplete in his
abilities to parent and raise a family. He needed the help of another to
reproduce and ultimately fulfill all the responsibilities within the
family. Woman was created to be his perfect helper to fulfill a special
design that only she could accomplish. God created woman with unique
emotional, intellectual, and physical abilities to enable her to fulfill
her husband's need for help.
But, does this role as your husband's helper mean that you are inferior to
him? Doesn't this role as a helper imply a second-class position in the
marriage relationship? Not at all! The Scripture reveals that God is our
"Helper" and has sent "another Helper" in the person of the Holy Spirit to
abide with us forever (Ps. 54:4) (John 14:16). Obviously, God isn't
inferior to man simply because He wants to help us. Therefore, neither
should you consider your position as helper degrading to your person in
any way. On the contrary, you should see your role as one who has come
along side of your husband to work with him to meet the needs of your
family. Therefore, your marriage should be viewed as if you were
participating in a team sport. You must always remember that to be a part
of a winning team you need the help of every player or the entire team
fails. This is also what makes a winning marriage.
You should also notice that the Father declared that the woman would be
comparable to man. God didn't create Eve better than Adam nor did he make
her to be inferior to him, but one comparable and equal to him. The word
comparable means one who is a counterpart or the other side of a matched
pair. Therefore, the woman was created to be the perfect complement to her
husband, like two matched gloves, one the counterpart of the other.
To fulfill God's design for you as a wife will entail understanding where
and how you can become a complement to your husband. To determine this,
you must find out where your husband needs help, support, or your team
effort. Finding this need and meeting it is fundamental to experiencing
the satisfaction God intends for you as a wife. This need will most likely
change from day to day, but God wants to give you eyes to see the need and
a heart to fulfill it. Does your husband need your spiritual encouragement
because of some personal struggle occurring at this time in his life?
Could he use your counsel over a difficult decision that he is about to
make regarding his job or business? Is your husband in need of help with
organization at home? You are the best one to help him with this need
because you know him better than anyone else, which enables you to be his
greatest helper. Remember, Solomon said "Two are better than one...woe to
him who is alone" (Ecc. 4:9.10).
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2. Be a virtuous wife. The Scripture asks the question "Who can find a
virtuous wife?" Then declares "For her worth is far above rubies. The
heart of her husband safety trusts her" (Prov. 31:10,11). The word
virtuous means one who possesses strength and substance. As you read the
rest of Proverbs 31 you learn the characteristics that made her a woman of
strength and substance and how these actions greatly affected her
marriage. Notice that King Lemuel acknowledges that her worth is far above
rubies. The word worth literally means if you had to pay for this kind of
service it would be incredibly expensive; far above the cost of rubies.
Scripture therefore reveals that a virtuous wife is far from an inferior
position in a marriage. You are worth more than his paycheck could
sustain!
The strength of a virtuous wife is revealed in her character as well as in
the service that she renders toward others. She is very competent and
industrious in the affairs of her home so that her husband may safely
trust her decisions. Her actions show godly wisdom, and true kindness
marks all the choices she makes. This ultimately gains her the praise of
her husband and children.
This is the kind of wife God is calling you to be. But, what creates this
character, strength, and virtue in your life? The answer is found at the
end of this chapter when King Lemuel states "Charm is deceitful and beauty
is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised" (Prov.
31:30). Here is where the strength of character comes from; her personal
reverence and fear of God. The fear of God is a necessary attitude
required for any wife to have the strength of character that will enable
her to lead a life pleasing to God. The fear of the Lord is what motivates
us to "hate evil" and "perfect holiness" in our personal life (Prov. 8:13)
(2 Cor. 7:1).
Do you want to become a virtuous wife? If you do, then you must surrender
your life to Christ and ask Him to fill you with this reverent attitude
toward the Father. Ask God for a hatred for that evil or sinful habit that
captivates you at this moment. Begin to pursue God by seeking Him daily in
His Word and petitioning Him for true holiness of heart. As you do, the
strength of character and virtue you desire will naturally begin to change
your life.
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3. Be a prudent wife. Solomon declared that "Houses and riches are an
inheritance from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord" (Prov.
19:14). What does it mean to be a prudent wife? The word prudent means one
who is wise and understanding. Fathers give the gift of an inheritance in
material wealth, but when God desires to give a gift of real worth, He
gives a wise and understanding wife. Notice again, a wife is portrayed in
Scripture far from being worthless, but compared to the greatest
inheritance that could be given by man.
Also, it is interesting that God commands husbands to dwell with their
spouses "with understanding, giving honor to the wife as to the weaker
vessel" (1 Peter 3:7). But, notice in the previous passage in Proverbs
that you are required to be understanding too. These two verses balance
each other and encourage both spouses to give one of the most essential
qualities for a good marriage; understanding.
Therefore, if God wants you to understand your husband, how do you gain
this insight? So often men express to me that their wives don't understand
them. How about you, do you understand your husband's needs, his
weaknesses, and his strengths? This understanding is what will enable you
to be a strong and effective helper and the counterpart your husband
needs.
What are some of the possible needs your husband might have, and how would
you determine them? The best way to find out what his needs might be is to
simply ask him. Why not ask him, "Where can I better meet your needs?
Where do I need a greater understanding of you and the pressures you
face?" When you ask these kinds of questions, you are immediately bridging
the gap between the real differences that exist between you and your
spouse.
Men and women differ radically in their make up. You are physically and
hormonally different; you communicate differently; you have distinct
social and sexual needs; and you both express love very differently. With
all these differences you need lots of understanding of the man you
married. As you gain this understanding of him you will naturally be
brought closer to one another. If you reverse the process and insist on
your way all the time, you only make the differences more apparent and
widen the gap between you. Therefore, seek to understand your husband and
what his real needs are, be willing to give to meet these needs; this is
God's design for your marriage.
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4. Be a submissive wife. I know for some of you, as you read the word
submission, you are becoming very uneasy. If the idea of submission rubs
you the wrong way, I want to encourage you to take another look at the
definition according to Scripture. Submission should never be considered a
word that denotes inferiority or a position that is contemptible to you.
If this is your belief, let me assure you that your understanding of this
issue is not a biblical one. Submission is something that we all have to
learn in every aspect of our lives. You must learn to submit to the laws
of this country whether they are traffic laws or our criminal code. If you
work outside the home you must submit to your employer and his or her
requests. When you went to school you had to learn submission to the
teacher when an assignment was given. When you go to the doctor with an
illness, you must choose whether or not you will submit to your
physician's diagnosis and treatment. When you must render submission in
these areas of life you don't consider it degrading to you as a person.
You would never think that your employer or your doctor was better than
you are and that you were inferior them. In these circumstances you would
reason that your submission is a simple necessity for harmony in the work
place or necessary for you to gain your health. The same is true for your
marriage. True biblical submission in the home will bring harmony and
health to your marriage.
I believe the reason why this idea of submission is so abhorrent to many
wives is because the concept has been taken out of its biblical context,
and this has resulted in many abuses. Therefore, let us go back to
Scripture and consider first what submission does not mean. Submission
does not mean that you are a second-class Christian or inferior to your
husband in any way. Everywhere, Scripture affirms the total equality of a
woman with a man. Paul said, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is
neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all
one in Christ Jesus" (Gal. 3:28). For the apostle to make this declaration
in the first century was a totally revolutionary statement because women
in those days were considered the personal property of their husbands. The
Apostle Peter even agreed that wives were equal to their husbands
declaring them to be "heirs together of the grace of life" (1 Peter 3:7).
In light of these verses, accusing the apostles of male chauvinism is
simply ridiculous. There is no second-class citizenship in the kingdom of
God, and neither is a wife inferior to her husband.
Consider also the example of Christ. Paul the Apostle declared that Jesus
was "equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of
a servant...humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death"
(Phil. 2:6-8). Jesus obviously did not consider submission to the Father's
will as a position of lesser value, and neither should you as you submit
to your husband. You can be equal to your husband and in submission to him
at the same time.
In addition, submission does not mean that you must be your husband's
personal slave. You can't be an equal heir with your husband and be a
slave at the same time! Yes, Scripture does teach that all Christians are
to "by love serve one another" (Gal. 5:13). But, notice this passage says
to serve one another. A truly biblical marriage is revealed when both
husband and wife willingly serve each other without being commanded or
forced. Love doesn't force but willingly gives. Jesus didn't call His
disciples slaves, He called them "friends" (John 15:15), and this is the
relationship you should have with your spouse. Friends don't command or
force one another to give unquestioned obedience. There are always limits
to your submission. Paul taught wives to submit only "as is fitting in the
Lord" (Col. 3:18). It is not fitting for your husband to command you as
his servant in an unloving way. Nor should you
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