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Husbands Job in Marriage
What Is God's Design And Calling For You As A Husband?
One of the greatest needs within the family today is for men to stand up
and fulfill their God-given responsibilities as husbands.
As the man within your home, you have been entrusted with another person's life,
your wife's, and to be faithful to that calling before God should be
your greatest concern.
Have you ever wondered exactly what God's design and calling is for you
as a husband? Do you know what your responsibilities are as a husband
and how to fulfill them? Do you know, in a practical sense, what it
means to be the head of your home? These are some of the questions I
would like to deal with in this article.
First, with all the many voices speaking about marriage today, how can
you be sure that you are acting correctly and fulfilling God's design
for you as a husband? Is there any example you can follow to be sure you
are in harmony with God's design? Yes, there is such a person you can
follow that will forever be the model of what a man should be: Jesus
Christ! Paul reveals this absolute for men when he wrote, "Husbands,
love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself
for it..." (Eph. 5:25).
Here, Paul declares that Christ is our ultimate example of how to love our wives.
Therefore, this is your calling before God. Love your wife as Christ loved, not just with words, but in giving
yourselfsacrificiallyas He did for you.
Before I explain in practical terms how His example should be followed,
let me first deal with an issue that I know will be in some of your
minds. When I have told some men that Christ must be their example, many
have responded to me, "How can I love my wife like Jesus
Christ? I'm just a man, how can God expect me to do what He did?"
Yes it is true, you are just a man; but there is more. You must also remember,
that if you are a Christian, you are a man enabled by His powerful Holy
Spirit. God has chosen to fill you with His Spirit to bring about a
supernatural work in your life. He has the ability to completely change
you that you might be "conformed to the image of His Son" (Rom. 8:29).
This is what will enable you to love your wife just as Christ loves. Be
assured that what God commands you to do, He will also enable you to do.
Yet, God's purpose and plan to conform you into the image of His Son can
only be accomplished by your complete surrender to His Spirit. Paul
explained how this change occurs to the Corinthian church, "We
all...beholding...the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the
same image ... by the Spirit of the Lord" (2 Cor. 3:18). Therefore, the
transforming work of the Holy Spirit is what changes you into His image.
This is how your Heavenly Father enables you to become the husband He is
calling you to be. God's design is to first change you, then the changes
He requires in your marriage will be a natural result.
But the question is, are you willing to allow the Spirit of God to
transform you, or will you fight Him every step of the way? Have you
fully surrendered yourself to Christ to allow Him to begin to work? Completely yielding
your life to the Father is where you must begin if you want to bring
your marriage into harmony with God's design.This decision to surrender
is not a one-time choice but a continual one. Paul said, the inward man
must be renewed "day by day" (2 Cor. 4:16). If you are seeking God daily
for His transformation and renewal in your heart, then begin by asking
God to reveal to you specifically where and how He wants to change you
so that you might more completely follow the example of Christ. Jesus
said "I have given you an example, that you should do as I have done to
you" (John 13:15). Therefore, let's look at the life of Christ. Let Him
speak to your heart as you continue to read this article; allow Him to
bring conviction and the desire for change wherever it's needed.
How can Jesus be an example to you as a husband?
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1. He was under the authority of God. Jesus declared His purpose to be
under the authority of the Father when He said, "I do not seek My own
will but the will of the Father who sent me" (John 5:30). Jesus was a
man who continually submitted Himself to the Father, to serve Him and
fulfill His purpose and plan; He didn't come to fulfill His own selfish
desires. His life-long surrender to the authority of God was the key to
His life and example. Jesus showed us by His example that a man must
first be submitted to a higher authority if he is ever to fulfill God's
design and purpose in life. People followed His leadership because they
could immediately see that He didn't have a selfish agenda. Jesus spoke
the words of God; not His own. He served others; not Himself.
Likewise, if you want your wife to follow your leadership, she must
first see that you are a man under the authority of God. Does your wife
see that your personal life is under the control of the Father?
Is God's word and will the basis of your decisions, or does she see a man who
makes decisions based on selfish motives for his own ends? Do you
demonstrate a no-compromise lifestyle with this world, or does she see a
man who covets things more than God and His kingdom? Before Paul ever
taught on the responsibilities of the husband-wife relationship, he
first declared this essential: reverence to the authority of God. He
explains that both husband and wife must be "submitting to one another
in the fear of God" (Eph. 5:21). Are you sincerely submitting yourself
to God and do you reverence and fear Him? Only as your wife sees this
will she willingly submit and trust your leadership in the home.
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2. He was a spiritual leader. Jesus embraced leadership to provide
salvation for the entire world. He came to pay the penalty for man's sin
and open the door of fellowship with the Father. Christ didn't wait for
the world to see its need and come to Him, He stepped forward and
initiated contact with man and proclaimed the word of salvation. He lead
the way for each of us to be saved by His death and resurrection.
As a husband, you are also called to take spiritual leadership with your
wife and family. Paul explains to husbands that Jesus gave Himself for
the church "...that He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of
water by the word..." (Eph. 5:25,26). Here is your example. When Christ
came to proclaim the Word of God, He was sanctifying or setting apart
His people for a personal relationship with Himself. Are you following
this example to set your wife and family apart? Does your godly
influence truly make your home different and set apart from a
non-Christian home?
How can you follow Christ's example of spiritual leadership and set your
wife and family apart? First, you must have a passion for the things of
God and especially the Word of God. Remember Jesus sanctified the church
with His Word. Yet, before you can ever minister the Word to your wife
and family, you must become a student of the Word yourself, and allow it
to sanctify you. As you surrender to the Scriptures, spiritual
leadership naturally follows because you are placing yourself under
God's authority by yielding to His instruction. It then will become
natural for you to initiate conversation regarding spiritual things with
your wife and children. As God speaks to you from His Word, you can
share with your wife what you are learning, and ask her to explain what
she is learning from her devotional time. As you do this the spiritual
fellowship between you will blossom and grow. You can also sanctify your
wife by initiating prayer with her and for her. James said, "The
effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much" (James 5:16).
Do you believe this? If you do, make her your prayer partner. As you
pray for one another and for others, the oneness God intends for your
marriage will become a reality.
Spiritual leadership should also be taken with your children. At night
when your children go to bed, as often as you can, lead them in prayer.
In the same manner, several times a week you should lead a devotional
with your children. If you are ever to impart to your children the
importance of God's Word, they must see that you consider it important
enough to communicate it to them. On Sunday mornings and Wednesday
evenings, you can suggest going to church. As you take spiritual
leadership in this way, you will not only be following the example of
Christ, but you can be used of God to instill within your family's
hearts a passion for Jesus.
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3. He sought companionship. Jesus was also an example as He sought men
and women out for real companionship. Jesus plainly declared that He
came "to seek and to save" men and women who were lost (Luke 1910). He
first sought out twelve disciples that He might be with them as an
example and teacher. Yet Jesus also called them His "friends" and they
became companions for more than three years (John 15:14). Yet, Jesus had
more than just twelve men in mind when He spoke of friends. He had all
of those who would come to faith in Him through His disciples'
preaching. Fellowship and friendship with God is the primary purpose of
salvation. Paul said that we have been "called into the fellowship of
His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord" (1 Cor. 1:9).
Likewise, fellowship and companionship with your wife is the primary
purpose of your marriage relationship. The Scripture declares that your
wife is to be "your companion" (Mal. 2:14). The Hebrew word for
companion means one with whom you are knit together>. She is to be your
best friend and closest companion for life.
In the Old Testament, the Shulamite said of her husband Solomon, "This is my beloved, and this is
my friend" (Song of Solomon 5:16). Husbands, are you following this
example of Christ and pursuing friendship and companionship with your
spouse? How can you do this?
Begin by looking for ways to spend time together, just you and her. You
sought this companionship with her before you were married on a daily
basis. You searched diligently for times to see one another while
putting everything and everyone on the waiting list. But, men have said
to me many times, "We never seem to ever find the time to be together
anymore." You will never find the time, you must make the time to be
together. It means reordering your priorities to put her first on your
list today, not on the waiting list. You always have time for the things
you really want to do. The question is, do you truly see this as an
essential ingredient for a good marriage? Do you see your wife as the
number one priority of your life? If you do, you will make the time for
companionship and friendship will begin to grow again. Taking the
leadership in your relationship will mean that you will initiate this
action.
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4. He was a communicator. Jesus further explained what you do with a
friend and companion. He said, "I do not call you servants...I have
called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I Have
made known to you" (John 15:15). Jesus made it clear that a real friend
and companion is worth communicating all you have in your heart.
Obviously, from Scripture we see that Jesus did just that, He
communicated with the disciples all that the Father had given Him
because He loved them and treasured their friendship.
Men often complain that they just can't communicate the way their wives
want them to. They say these things as if there is no hope for change,
but this is simply not true. Men can be very good communicators if they
truly want to be and are willing to ask the Great Communicator for help.
Paul said, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"
(Phil. 4:13). Men, you can become the communicator your wife longs for
you to be if you will allow Christ to teach and strengthen you. If you
are not a very communicative person, here are some ways that you can
change this: First, acknowledge that it is God's desire that you become a better
communicator because this is an obvious reflection of Christ's heart.
Then, ask God for His help and motivation. He longs to work "in you both
to will and do for His good pleasure" (Phil. 2:13). Set time aside on a
daily basis just to communicate with your spouse. Remember, you must
choose to make the time to communicate, or it will never occur. For example, when you come home from work,
before you read the newspaper or begin an evening in front of the television, begin a conversation with
her.Go and sit in the kitchen as she is making dinner, or wherever she
is, and ask how her day went. Then share how your day went.
Talk over what God spoke to you that day in your devotional time. Discuss the
plans for tomorrow and the weekend. Resolve any issues together that
have come up that day with the children. If doing this before dinner is
not a good time for conversation, wait until after you eat. Just be sure
that before you begin your agenda for the evening, you seek to be a
companion by communicating.
What you communicate while you are together is also important. Take the
time to daily communicate your love for your wife. Jesus wasn't
embarrassed or afraid to tell His disciples that He loved them. He said,
"As the Father has loved Me, I also have loved you" (John 15:9).
How long has it been since you have taken your wife in your arms and told
her how much you love her and how precious she is to you?If you don't
verbalize your love, aren't you communicating that she is not very
important to you? When you fail to spend time together to build
companionship you are communicating to your spouse that your
relationship is not as special as it was when you were dating. Renew
your interest in her and the excitement of being together will be
restored.
When you purpose to make your wife your companion and are spending time
with one another, growth in communication is a natural result. The
problem is that many times we allow other things to take priority in our
relationship. Is she your first priority?
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5. He was a servant to others. When Jesus bowed to wash His disciples'
feet, He was taking the place of a slave. He was demonstrating, in the
most visual way possible, what it would require to be His follower.
Jesus said that He came not "to be served, but to serve" (Mark 10:45).
This was the heart of Christ!
Yet, many men object to taking this place of a servant in their homes.
They declare to me, "I'm the head of my home and she is to be my
helpmate; isn't she suppose to serve me?" No. That attitude does not
reflect the heart of Jesus. In reality, both husband and wife are to
serve one another. Paul said of all believers, "...through love serve
one another" (Gal. 5:13). Yet, as the head of your home, this essentially makes you
the head servant...Service to your wife is love demonstrated by such things as sharing in
the household chores when your wife needs a break, caring for the
children when she wants to go out with a girl friend, running an errand,
or cooking a meal when she is sick. I use these examples because so
often I have heard complaints from wives that their husbands refuse to
do such things. How about you? Are you following Christ's example of
service in your home?
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6. He understood others. In every word Jesus spoke and every action that
He took, you always have the sense that Jesus understood all things.
Scripture tells us that because He came in human flesh He can
"sympathize with our weaknesses"
because He "was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin"
(Heb. 4:15).
The word sympathize literally means to have compassion. Jesus understands all of the needs and
struggles we have as human beings and has compassion on us as a result.
Understanding is also what the Scriptures encourage husbands to have
toward their wives. Peter said, "Likewise you husbands, dwell with them
with understanding..." (1 Peter 3:7). This word understanding means to
know something by investigation or inquiry. This means that if you are
to follow the example of Christ and obey this command you must begin
investigating and inquiring about your wife. By doing so you will gain
tremendous insight and compassion for her and her daily needs.
How do you go about doing this? Understanding of your spouse is, of
course, a life-long pursuit that is the result of lots of companionship
time and frequent communication over the important as well as the minor
things of life. You must care enough to regularly inquire and
investigate such things as how she is doing spiritually, what her
personal struggles are, what her fears are; how you can help and better
support her.This will entail active listening and remembering what she
has said for future reference about her likes and dislikes, and for <
taking the appropriate actions to meet her needs.
Men have said to me, "I just don't understand her and why she feels the
way she does." Have you ever said or thought this? If so, you need to
get to work and begin to investigate and inquire in order to gain a
better understanding. I am absolutely sure you can understand your wife.
Why? Because the Apostle John said, "...the Son of God has come and
given us an understanding that we might know Him that is true" (1 John
5:20). If God has opened your heart to know Him, by breaking through the
misunderstanding you once had about Christ, He can surely open your
heart to know and understand your wife. All you have to do is ask God to
help you. The disciples did not understand some of the things Jesus
taught them because they "were afraid to ask Him" (Mark 9:32). Don't let
fear or pride hinder you from asking the Lord for a heart to understand
your wife. Remember Solomon asked for an "understanding heart" for the
people, and God granted it (1 Kings 3:9). Acknowledge to your wife that
you need more understanding of her. Then, pray together that God would
grant you both understanding hearts for each other. The result will be a
house that is truly established and built to last. "Through wisdom a
house is built, and by understanding it is established" (Prov. 24:3).
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7. He honored others. In 1 Peter 3:7 the apostle goes on to say that you
should not only dwell with understanding, but you should also be "giving
honor to the wife as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together
of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered." What does it
mean to honor your wife? The word honor means to esteem one as precious
or valuable. Again, Jesus is the ultimate example of this kind of love
and care by His life of service to others and His sacrificial death on
the cross. He esteemed you and me as so precious that He gave His
precious blood to redeem us to Himself (1 Peter 1:18,19).
How can you honor your wife in this same way? By giving of yourself in
all of the ways I have described in this article: put Christ first as
the authority in your life, be the spiritual example in your home,
possess a servant's heart, communicate, be a companion, and gain
understanding of her so you can meet her needs. All of these actions
require unselfish love.This is how Paul defined honor in Romans 12:10.
"Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor
giving preference to one another." Give her preference through your
unselfish love, and she will surely believe you count her as precious
and valuable.
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8. He refused to use force. Jesus never forced His will upon anybody for
anything because this would have been against the divine nature of love.
Real love and force can never co-exist; they are mutually exclusive.
Jesus always made relationship with Himself an issue of personal
invitation and choice. The last invitation in the Bible declares, "Let
him who thirsts come. And whoever desires, let him take the water of
life freely" (Rev. 22:17). The Father calls and then waits for you to
come into agreement with Him concerning the truth. The Scriptures teach
us that "if we confess (agree with Him concerning) our sins, He is
faithful and just to forgive us our sins..." (1 John 1:9). Therefore, He
will not force you to come nor will He force you to repent. With His
love He draws you to come into agreement with Him just as He moved the
people of Israel. "I drew them with gentle cords, with bands of love"
(Hosea 11:4).
This is a critical part of Christ's example if you intend to be the
husband God wants you to be. You cannot ever force your leadership upon
your wife. She must willingly agree to submit to it just as much as you
must willingly submit to Christ. So, ask yourself, why do I willingly
submit to the leadership of Jesus? Is it not because of His tender heart
of love toward you exemplified through His sacrificial life and death on
the cross? Jesus doesn't have to force His will upon you because you are
convinced of His unconditional love
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